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A Dad's Point of View: Being a Teenager Can Be Wonder-Full It?s so easy to complain about our teens. I know I?m guilty of too often dishing out criticisms, admonishments, and lectures. I worry that my boys might be doing drugs, drinking, or some other peer-pressure stupidity. But, they also deserve my support when they do well and my understanding when they slip up.
My 16-year-old, Will, recently bounded into my office, eager to talk. Wisely, I pulled away from the hypnotic lure of my computer, and faced him squarely, ready for whatever followed. Normally, when Will comes to talk to me, I am concerned that he either wants something or is going to confess something that I wish I didn?t have to hear. This time, I listened. And I listened and I listened. I smiled, I nodded, I grunted. But, mostly I listened. He had made a remarkable discovery! What was this remarkable revelation? ?Life is complicated and full of wonder and amazing things. Where did life come from? Why do we sleep? How does our brain work? Why are there different languages and how did they evolve?? He literally rambled off these and other subjects, as if he?d just discovered the wheel!
Will didn?t want me to offer any feedback: he just wanted to share with me his marvelous realizations. I just sat there and patiently let him passionately express these extraordinary questions. After maybe 15 minutes, he didn?t need me anymore and jumped up and left to call his girlfriend and share with her what he?d just voiced.
Later, as we were all getting ready for bed, he came into our bedroom, where my wife was lying down reading, and I had just come in to get ready for bed. He leaped on our chaise lounge, fell off to the side, and scrambled up laughing at his clumsiness. He then proclaimed, ?I love this family,? and proceeded to elaborate for a couple more minutes.
My wife and I actually wondered if Will had taken some drugs, as he seemed so high. But, he hadn?t, and was apparently just being a teenager--a teen enjoying the ?wonder-full-ness? of life.
That is my point. The older we get, the more we forget the wonder of youth, the wonder of being a teenager--discovering new worlds to explore and the new ideas that we feel are just ours. (Okay, let?s hear the Star Trek theme now).
Being a teenager means discovering the world. I think adults too often squash that sense of wonder with the desire to have our kids conform. That was my discovery during the short 18 months that I home-schooled Will, since the lack of conforming public school curriculum and class management allowed Will to learn so much more than he otherwise would have under the structure of public school. It?s why I believe home-schooling is really much better for some kids and, at the time, was the very best thing I could have done for Will.
The job of parents is to introduce our children to the world, to give them exposure to as much as we can, and to allow them to choose their paths. I know that early in my parenting, I had my ideas of what I wanted for my sons that were based on my own particular interests and desires. Fortunately, I got over that selfish instinct and ended up supporting my boys? own interests and dreams. I know too many parents that are single-minded in pushing their kids in the directions these parents think is best while not taking into consideration their kids interests, skills, and desires.
This is dramatically evident in the sports arena, where kids are sometimes literally forced to participate in a sport in which they have no interest. The reason is simply the parents? ego and vicarious desire to live through their kids. It is so wrong. We also see this in the over-the-top push that parents often inflict on their kids to excel at school so that they can get into this or that college that the parents deem best for their child.
I wonder if it ever occurred to those parents that their son or daughter might actually be better off with a year off between high school and college? Or, maybe not even going to college! Not every kid should go to college. Couldn?t college wait a year or two while these high school grads explore life on their own? Maybe they can see a bit more of the world rather than just continue in what can be the cocoon of education and parental (financial) support?
I may have wanted my sons to be great skiers, or get into an Ivy League college, but now I want them to fulfill their own passions and find the same joy in what they do that I?ve been blessed to find in my writing and now, my radio show as well. I urge you to do the same!
Please listen to ?The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad?s Point-of-View? Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce?s column, ?A Dad?s Point-of-View,? is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his ?A Dad?s Point-of-View? page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.
If you'd like to contribute to the TMN blog, please email blogpost@themommiesnetwork.org
So much mysticism and mythology surrounds the pregnancy due date. Much of the mysticism is held by physicians who hold on to the old ways of determining when a pregnant woman will deliver. Believe me, most physicians would love a way to determine the due date so we could plan our lives around the deliveries of our patients, but the truth is only 1-2% of women will actually deliver on their due date. So what determines a due date, and what is the difference between EDC (estimated date of confinement) and EDD (estimated date of delivery) and what the heck is Naegele?s Rule. This post will help show the origins of the due date and how we are currently using a system that is about 250 years old.
Franz Karl Naegele (1778-1851) was the German obstetrician who initially came up with the rule to determine a woman?s due date based on her last menstrual period (LMP). There are many ways to calculate Naegele?s Rule. I use the system where you take the LMP, add 7 days, and subtract three months. So if your LMP was April 1, 2009 then your due date would be January 8, 2010. You can impress your friends at parties with this maneuver. There are problems with Naegele?s Rule and many people have pointed out that this 250 year old method is no longer appropriate for our advanced age. What are some of the potential errors with calculating the EDC in this method?
It assumes that you are having a regular period and that you ovulate on day 14 of your cycle. I am a gynecologist and there are many women out there that have irregular cycles that ovulate on day 20, 25, 12, 15?.you get my point. This obviously would add potential error to the EDC determination and could change things by days to weeks.
There is another assumption that the routine pregnancy is 280 days long and that is based on our current calendar system. The problem with this is that there are many months that contain 30 days or 31 days and what happens in a leap year, or if you are not pregnant over the shorter month of February. The point is that there is a movement out there that is trying to say that the number should be 288 days and that we are inducing women that have premature babies. A study done in 1990 stated that the proper method for determining a due date was to take the LMP, count back three months and add fifteen days for a primiparous (first pregnancy) woman or 10 days for a multiparous (subsequent births) woman. This was published in the journal Obstetrics and Gynecology.
There are many that argue this method of calculating the EDC is as archaic as the term EDC itself. Lending to the agrarian societies from whence it came, the EDC literally came from the fact that a woman was confined to her bed for the last part of her pregnancy to prevent preterm labor. While we still prescribe bedrest today as a possible therapy for preterm labor it does seem odd that the medical establishment uses terminology from the 1700?s.
The due date is as individual as the pregnant mother. While the EDC is currently calculated by Naegele?s Rule this does seem a bit archaic and inefficient; especially if we are using this dating method to determine inductions and postdatism. There have been other methods with increased accuracy but they require a woman to measure body temperatures and be move involved in her own self-care. Many reading this article are very involved with birth and feel as though self-care is very important, but there are many women out there that simply choose not to be observant of their own cycle. So, what do we ?do? with the ?due?. Unfortunately, I think we will keep going with the current system and back it up with ultrasounds which are accurate within 5 days if done in the first trimester.
Approximately 3% of so-called term births (occuring after 37 weeks) are completed with fetal lung immaturity and this could be because the baby may have been between 35-37 weeks and not term.
Are we too involved in the birthing process? Are there better ways to determine the pregnant due date or should we not worry wbout and just let man/woman be born in his own time. The latin word natura gives rise to the word natural and means ?to be born?. Maybe we should just leave well enough alone.
Shawn A. Tassone, M.D. author of ?Hands Off My Belly! The Pregnant Woman?s Guide to Surviving Myths, Mothers, and Moods? ? Mom?s Choice Gold Recipient and Arizona Book Publisher?s Glyph Award Winner.
http://www.handsoffmybellyguide.com Hands Off My Belly! The Pregnant Woman?s Survival Guide to Myths, Mothers, and Moods is for sale on Amazon and Barnes and Noble and at most brick and mortar stores.
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My children are beautiful-seriously. I know every mother thinks her baby is the future face of Gerber or the next Grand Prize Winner in RegisPhilbin's search for the most beautiful baby in America, but let me assure you I am not just another prejudiced mother. All sarcasm and indulgence aside, my toddler boys, Camden and Cavan, are my pride and joy, but the truth is I can't pin my children down long enough to take a decent photo, and when they see the camera, they run screaming (the adorable shot below is and exception).
My family has been urging me for a while to get the boys involved in modeling, but we have yet to make it to the big time. Well family, you will be proud to know that just last week, the boys made their accidental modeling debut at the Old Navy store in Savannah, GA.
The last week of June and beginning of July, for all of you bargain hunters, is the perfect time to shop for summer clearance items and take advantage of Independence Day sales. Being the patriot that I am, I decided to take the boys on a little shopping field trip to the Oglethorpe Mall in Savannah, GA and load up on swim gear for our July 4th celebration at the beach. They are past the age where I can strap them into the double stroller without protest, but I thought that with a little pre-op planning and the promise of post-op rewards, that my little soldiers just might pull through for the greater good.
We spent the morning upsetting the studious customers at Barnes and Noble while I browsed in vain for a beach read (which I know I will never read), and after a chaotic attempt at "lunch" in the food court, I buckled the boys down, pushed them across enemy lines and right into the line of fire at the crowded Old Navy. I didn't have a quarter for the prize machine (located in the rear of the store), but I thought I had enough little cars and toys to keep them busy for 15 minutes or so. Clearly, I did not, or I my idea of 15 minutes in Old Navy might be a little distorted. Regardless, I knew I didn't have long before the boys went AWOL-and they did. I gave my boys some shoes to try on, and while they were strapped down and fumbling with the shoes, I circled a rack for just a minute. I could still see the stroller from around the circular rack, but I must have missed the moment when my boys slipped from the seat belts like slick escape artists. I turned back around and panicked when I saw them missing from the stroller. My panic turned to relief when I saw them sitting on top of the nearby display table sorting and swapping the $5 graphic t-shirts. They were safe! They were looking pleased with themselves and so adorable- they could have been models!
The lesson has been learned on my part. Apparently, they are too smart for the stroller, and I can become a little distracted with a sale. I need to keep my activities toddler-friendly, and I'll hold out for a sitter the next time I want to bargain-hunt at the mall.
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A Dad's Point of View: She Makes More Money! A recent Pew Research Center study called ?Women, Men and the New Economics of Marriage (Jan. 19, 2010 by Richard Fry and D?Vera Cohn) revealed that women are making much more money, over the recent past, than at any other time in our history. The study had the following opening: ?The institution of marriage has undergone significant changes in recent decades as women have outpaced men in education and earnings growth. These unequal gains have been accompanied by gender role reversals in both the spousal characteristics and the economic benefits of marriage.? It makes total sense given the changing values and trends in our society and the increasing number of women attending college, now outnumbering men significantly. But, the social impact of these changes might be troubling. As part of the generation that is both responsible for and feeling these transformations the most, I have mixed feelings about this brave new world.
Further conclusions from this report were that ?A larger share of men in 2007, compared with their 1970 counterparts, are married to women whose education and income exceed their own?A larger share of women are married to men with less education and income.? What does all this mean for our children who are growing up in this changing environment? I?m not sure and I can only make some generalities from my own perspective.
First, I believe that gender roles are often getting mixed up. When I grew up, boys were boys and girls were girls and we each knew what was expected of us, more or less. As equality has sometimes become the mantra of our times, knowing our respective roles in work, home, and life in general is confusing to say the least. Is this good? I?m not sure.
The report goes on to say, ?From an economic perspective, these trends have contributed to a gender role reversal in the gains from marriage. In the past, when relatively few wives worked, marriage enhanced the economic status of women more than that of men. In recent decades, however, the economic gains associated with marriage have been greater for men than for women.?
Is this why we have so many single parent households (the majority being single moms, though I don?t have the statistics at hand to support this assertion)? Is it because women don?t need men to support them or, for that matter, to even procreate anymore? Again, I ask if is this good for men and women, for society as a whole, and most of all, for our children? I know whenever I touch on gender-related issues I tend to be playing with fire, since I often make generalities in doing so. Generalities are a fact of life. But, they can and often get people upset when they know of exceptions to them. Of course, there will be exceptions to most generalities, but they?re ?generalities? because they apply to the ?general? majority. It is a generality to say that most men are taller than most women. Is that sexist, true, or just a generality? You know the answer.
Another fact reported in the Pew report, which is surprising on the surface but also makes total sense, relates to how these gender reversals have been impacted by our current economic malaise. They declare that ?it [the economic downturn] has hurt employment of men more than that of women. Males accounted for about 75% of the 2008 decline in employment among prime-working-age individuals (U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2009). Women are moving toward a new milestone in which they constitute half of all the employed. Women?s earning grew 44% from 1970 to 2007, compared with 6% growth for men.? They go on to state the fact that this ?sharper growth has enabled women to narrow, but not close the earnings gap with men.? Do you wonder how this has affected the institution of marriage? The report goes on to declare that these trends have affected the institution of marriage itself. It says, ?Americans are more likely than in the past to cohabit, divorce, marry late or not marry at all. There has been a marked decline in the share of Americans who are currently married. Among U.S.-born 30- to 44-year-olds, 60% were married in 2007, compared with 84% in 1970.?
Do you still think generalities are inappropriate to use? And, what conclusions might we reach from these trends and gender role changes? I will state that I think it has created a lot of confusion for boys and men while empowering too many women to make selfish choices that exclude men from their lives and/or the lives of the children that they may choose to have on their own.
Of course, I believe in equal pay for equal work. Of course, I also believe that true sexual harassment is wrong. And, of course, I believe that many of these gains in women?s rights and opportunities are for the best. Yet, I also believe that we?re in the middle of suffering a downside to these apparent positive gains, which we won?t realize or recognize until several generations have passed. Since we are in the epicenter of these societal changes, it is unlikely we can be objective enough to see exactly what good or bad we?ve wrought. Time will tell.
Please listen to ?The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad?s Point-of-View? Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce?s column, ?A Dad?s Point-of-View,? is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his ?A Dad?s Point-of-View? page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.
Do you want to contribute to the TMN blog? Email blogpost@themommiesnetwork.org today!
I can?t tell you how many times I thought: This would be a GREAT time to watch television. But Saturday morning my husband works. And my daughter decides that naptime would be a good time to SCREAM LIKE AN EXHAUSTED LUNATIC instead of sleep. My son wouldn?t come upstairs with me. And he couldn?t be trusted alone. He was into the GLUE. Then he spies his computer on top of the television cabinet. I WANT THAT. I hear it every five seconds. In between GLUE. And my daughter is now raging.
So I let him have it.
I set my alarm on my iPhone because I desperately want to lose track of time. But I have only twenty-five minutes of screen time left.
I rocked N down. I sigh. Then it dawns on me that I haven?t brushed my teeth, and my friend, C, would be at my house in thirty minutes. We?re good friend but not morning-breath good. (Although we are stay-in-my-pajamas-and-not-put-on-a-bra good.)
So I let E keep playing. And honestly? My phone alarm went off SO MUCH SOONER than it should?ve.
And now I'm on my own FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK.
By Wednesday afternoon, I felt like this:
Yes this photo is a reenactment. But if my children had been allowed to take pictures, this would've been on the roll.
I don?t know if E is just tired from his morning camp, but I feel like I spend all day getting yelled at.
E: MAMA! GET ME THIS!?Me: E, how do we ask for a snack??E: Mama? May I please have a snack??Me: Yes, you may. What a nice way of asking.?E: MAMA! GET ME THE BALL!?Me: E, how do we ask for something?
And on and on and on and on. And every ten minutes during his "quiet time."
And N, while often smiley, is very, um, POINTY. THIS THIS THIS Actually UH UH UH. (It turns out uh-oh, mama, dada, dog, and cat don?t get you very far in this world.)
And I have to wake N up EVERY SINGLE MORNING to pick up E from camp. Do you know how it feels to wake up a sleeping child when you have SO MUCH TO DO AND NO TIME? THE SUCK.
And although these seem like normal everyday mama-hood experiences, I?m DROWNING. I wonder if it?s having no OUT. No guarantee of peace. The television is a promise. E quiet and sitting still for an HOUR. Yes, he would still YELL out for a snack, but only once. And the threat of turning off the television is the GREATEST THREAT IN THE WORLD.
I'm tired of being present for my children. And that makes me want to cry. Because I don?t think that is about the television. I think that it?s about me. And how much easier it is to be me than to be Mama.
I?d rather fold into my world of writing and Twitter and phone calls and friends. Where there is less yelling and needing. More jokes. More pats on the back. More space. My husband notices. And it is causing a rift. So in the midst of all this no TV vcrap, I offer to turn off my phone from 5:30-7:30 each night. Do you know how embarrassingly hard it was to even offer? And how much MORE difficult it is to keep?
Don?t worry. There is no iPhone challenge in the mix. But I am so unhappy that the television challenge has exposed me more than my children. They are fine. E hardly asks for television anymore. I'm the one ruing the day.
And Corrina, who is also in the TV challenge, has kindly offered a fellow challenger a FREE BOOK OF HER CHOOSING from Barefoot Books! I?ll choose the winner at random on the final Thursday (July 29th). I know some of you have been participating but are not bloggers. You can still win the book! Please include a comment on the final post so I have your name to add to the drawing.
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This challenge is brought to you by Alex Iwashyna, a happily married mom of two children with a BA in Political Philosophy and a Medical Degree, who currently stays at home with her children and writes. She blogs at Late Enough, which is mostly about life, parenting, marriage, politics, culture, religion, and Alex's inability to wake up in the morning and not hate everyone. Often zombies, fire, and rude Southern people make blog appearances, but she can pretty much guarantee that she'll still be in her pjs while fighting them off. She also hangs out on Facebookand tweets@L8enough.
If you want to contribute to The Mommies Network's blog as a guest writer or blogger, please email blogpost@themommiesnetwork.org!
